The End Times – March 11, 2025
The city of End has proudly unveiled its latest public artwork—a towering bronze statue of local eccentric and self-proclaimed “visionary philosopher” Cedric Blott, best known for his lifelong campaign to make Tuesdays a public holiday and his invention of the self-buttering toast rack.
The statue, which stands an imposing 15 feet tall in Market Square, depicts Blott in a triumphant pose, one hand raised as if making an impassioned speech, the other gripping what appears to be either a blueprint for his ill-fated Automatic Shoelace Tightener or a large sandwich—art historians remain divided.
“This is a bold and important work,” declared End’s mayor, Gloria Spence, at the unveiling ceremony. “Cedric Blott was a man of ideas—most of them impractical, some of them dangerous, and one or two actually quite useful. This statue honors his unique contribution to End’s cultural heritage.”
Blott, who passed away in 1987 after tripping over a prototype of his own Self-Retrieving Hat, remains a divisive figure in End. While some remember him as a “charming innovator,” others recall his unsuccessful 1973 attempt to replace all street signs with interpretive dance performances.
The statue itself has drawn mixed reactions from residents.
“It’s certainly… striking,” said local shopkeeper Maureen Ellis, staring up at the vast bronze likeness. “It’s got that kind of dramatic energy, you know? Almost like it might come to life at any moment and start lecturing you about why spoons should be banned.”
Art critic Damian Lyle, however, was less convinced.
“The sheer scale of it is overwhelming,” he said. “One can’t help but be drawn in by the meticulous detailing of Blott’s famous unruly hair, his wild eyes, and, of course, the heroic presence of his pet tortoise, Horace, nestled at his feet. It’s a masterpiece, if you have a high tolerance for nonsense.”
Not everyone is a fan, with some questioning whether Blott’s contributions to society warranted such a grand tribute.
“Why not a statue of someone who actually did something for End?” asked lifelong resident Arthur Green. “Like Dame Judith Plover, who invented the three-wheeled lawnmower. Or even Old Bill the Postman, who delivered letters here for 60 years and never lost a parcel, except for that one time when he accidentally mailed himself to Belgium.”
Nevertheless, the statue is here to stay, and city officials insist it will become a landmark in its own right. A plaque at the base bears one of Blott’s most famous quotes: “All great minds are misunderstood. Mine more than most.”
As for whether End’s citizens will come to love the new monument, only time will tell. In the meantime, pigeons have already given their verdict, and they seem to approve wholeheartedly.
