The End Times – March 11, 2025
Residents of End have been experiencing the most unremarkable early spring weather in recorded history, with temperatures, rainfall, and sunshine levels all sitting squarely in the middle of long-term averages. Meteorologists confirm that, since records began, no spring has been quite so… average.
Dr. Philip Weaver from the End Meteorological Society described the conditions as “textbook early spring.”
“Everything is exactly where it should be,” he explained. “We’ve had some sunshine, but not too much. A bit of rain, but nothing out of the ordinary. Temperatures have been hovering in the precise middle of what we’d expect for March. In fact, if you were looking for an example of ‘typical early spring weather,’ this would be it.”
Local residents have been adjusting to the utter normality of it all.
“I keep expecting a sudden cold snap or an unexpected warm spell,” said longtime End resident Margaret Hollis. “But no, it’s just been… well, fine. It’s a bit unsettling, to be honest.”
Shopkeeper Alan Bridges, who runs End Hardware & Home Supplies, admitted he’d been struggling to keep up with customer demand—or lack thereof.
“In a usual spring, people panic about a cold spell and buy up all the logs and de-icer, or they get excited about warm weather and rush in for BBQs and garden furniture,” he said. “This year? Nothing. People are just carrying on like normal. It’s very strange.”
The local farming community has, for the most part, embraced the steady predictability.
“This time last year, we were either under a foot of water or in a surprise heatwave—I can’t even remember which,” said farmer Steve Bartlett. “But this? This is just good, steady weather. Crops like it. Sheep like it. I like it.”
Even the town’s ice cream seller, Sarah Patt, who usually either braces for an unexpected rush or struggles through a rainy spell, has found business pleasantly steady.
“I’ve sold about the usual number of cones, which never happens in March. It’s not a heatwave, it’s not a washout—it’s just normal. Which is oddly exciting!” She said.
With the forecast predicting more of the same in the coming weeks, the people of End are settling into their perfectly ordinary spring. No blizzards, no freak heatwaves—just comfortable, predictable weather.
“I suppose we should enjoy it while it lasts,” said Dr. Weaver. “Because knowing British weather, we’re probably due for something extreme or even more average any day now.”
